I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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