Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
