Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
