You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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