You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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