i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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