if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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