I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
