I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
