What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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