I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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