So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
