did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just gift wrapped bread.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize
