I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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