Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i drank out of a bidet.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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