I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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