I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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