No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
