Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
