I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
