When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
