Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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