We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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