I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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