I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
