I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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