I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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