that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
