So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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