just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
