You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
