I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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