Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
