What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
