i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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