I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
