I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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