where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
