hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
