he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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