dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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