i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
