he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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