after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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