Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
