Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
