Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
