there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
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