I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
