so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
