I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
